The Swiss and their Swissness

The Swiss. Phwoar.

What makes them tick? What makes them hot under the collar? What makes them bang their steiners and yodel across the beerhall? Why is it, that every time we hear of 'The Swiss' women swoon, men wolf-whistle and we all know we are in for a ruddy good time?

These are the questions that no one has asked, ever.* But they are the questions I intend to ask with all the misguided persistence of a News of the World  journalist over the course of my six month stay here in Geneva, in order to give the Swiss the credit they deserve (or don't deserve, doesn't really matter does it?).

For too long have the Swiss been the estranged sibling within the West European family. For too long have they been overshadowed by neighbours (siblings, if you'll persist with the allegory), who, for better or for worse have well-defined characteristics and stereotypes  (in which I exclusively operate), and as a result conjure nothing by way of instant feelings, positive or negative for the Swiss in our minds. 

To the north, the Germans. Practical, indomitable Germans. The undoubted older brother who has given us so much over the years; Volkswagen, Boris Becker and cheaper Greek holidays to name but three.

To the west, La France. Considered work-shy to some, inspirational to others. Loves include; berets, trade unions and the Common Agricultural Policy, hates include; the 37 hour working week and English-made champagne. The sibling who chooses to study philosophy then doesn't turn up to lectures citing the cramping of intellectual prowess.

And finally, to the south, the flamboyant sibling, the one who wears leather trousers to a funeral and puts a fiat badge on a ferrari, the one who makes all others looking boring, dry, corduroy. Italia.     

The Swiss sit like an awkward middle child between these three powerhouses of national stereotypes.Within Switzerland there is a French region, a German region and an Italian region, all speaking their respective languages and culturally more attuned to their linguistic cousins across the border then a fellow Swiss across the mountains.** So what is it to be Swiss? They drink wine and eat cheese in unhealthy quantities like the French, have the work-ethic and tight public transport system of the Germans, and from what I have seen so far in Geneva, have a lot of flashy jewelry and clothes shops like the Italians (Unlike the Italians however, the Swiss can afford to buy it). 

Are they the perfect European? The perfect country? Combining positive aspects from the French and Germans, and the least negative aspects of the Italians. 

A typical Swiss dining situation.

Working out of Geneva for the next six months, I will smash the stereotype that the Swiss have no stereotype. No cultural exploration is complete without a look at the food, sport, history of the place, and will probably also make various libelous comments about Swiss baking, Nazi gold and UN's tax regimes. 

Some facts to finish off on (adopt an Alan Partridge voice for these): Women only got the vote in Switzerland in 1971, every citizen is required by law to have a bomb shelter or  have access to on, and Switzerland has the fourth highest gun ownership rate in the world, with a shopping 3.4m pieces in a population of below 8m. This triumvirate of facts*** cast doubt on the only Swiss stereotype in existence, their neutrality. 

Classic Swiss.   

* One question we have all been asking about the Swiss is how they managed to secure top seeding for this summer’s World Cup. Answers to this question may arise during a later piece on Swiss banking and the original job-for-lifer-regardless-of-how-shit-you-are Sepp Blatter. 

** Romansh is the fourth national language of Switzerland, but I get the feeling it is their equivalent of Welsh, or Cornish.

*** Facts probably true(ish), but would not use in a legal context